Friday, February 22, 2008

Pam's "Ode to a Penis"


(As in—I did NOT write this—proud though I would have been to do so [g]. No, no—this is the stellar handiwork of Ms. Pamela Patchet, multi-winner of the Surrey International Writers Conference Silly Poetry Contest, Honorable Mention (more than once) in the Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest, and holder of many other distinguished titles, I'm sure. Many thanks to Pam for giving me permission to post her poem here!)


How does a writer describe the aroused male member in a romance novel without tarnishing the family jewels?

Despite thousands of words used to describe Wee Willy Winkie (Mark Morton lists 1,300 in his book The Lover’s Tongue: A Merry Romp Through The Language Of Love And Sex), none seem to adequately convey the language of love, with its most obvious method of delivery, without giggles. One might argue the biggest organ of love is the brain, but a man’s brain is not the organ which makes its presence most boldly known in the throes of passion.

But how does a writer of romance describe ‘It’ without ruining the moment? There’s no denying ‘It’ is there - its presence is as keenly felt as the relentless prodding of a Labrador’s nose against an outstretched hand.

One might wish to use a soft touch and describe a poet’s Dart of Love. A knight shields his Lance of Love, his Excalibur seeks its sheath. A fighting man thrusts his Hooded Warrier, or if angered, his Bald Avenger. The CEO fires his Executive Staff Member, the chef heats up his Meat ‘n Potatoes, the outdoorsman handles his Rod and Tackle, and the butcher unwraps his 100% All Beef Thermometer.

No, I think for romance to work, allusion is everything. I humbly offer up the following poem:

Ode to a Penis


Advice For Romance Writers

I think that I shall never see,

a penis lovely as a tree.

Though both can be described at length,

it’s best you don’t.

Please show some strength.

For ample members are best left

(even when one’s hands are deft)

untouched by writers’ florid prose,

whether roused,

or in repose.

So drop the little one-eyed snake,

of other things you should partake.

Admittedly, they do enthrall,

but after one, you’ve seen ‘em all.


  1. Diana:

    I adore The Penis as much
    as any girl, but such
    Is the Beast
    that one must only feast
    in the privacy of home.

    Never will I write
    of anything so trite
    as Lover's Staff or Mighty Prick,
    Sword of Love or Throbbing Dick.....

    Oh, rats! I can't think of any more -- I'm too tired. Please forgive the assault.


  2. Pam, you are a treasure.

    And I remember the circumstances under which you first wrote this poem, yes, indeedy. [g]

  3. Can't remember where I first read this poem. The other day I searched for Ode to the Penis, you wouldn't believe all the Ode's that popped up(so to speak)on this subject. Why.. not.. have ode's to the male member of the family. I have certainly had to read enough about...creamy breasts, voluptuous knockers, and ripe melons to name a few descriptions of the female. But as to the penis, is also good to leave someting to the imagination.

  4. Good Grief, I'm still rolling on the floor! Brilliant! LOL Why haven't we seen more of her humor?

  5. Oh, thanks for that, Diana! I'd nearly forgotten about that one. I don't see how...

    Linked to it from my blog too!

  6. Beth, I believe your penis started this. And when I say "your" penis, well, you know what I mean.(g)

    Sharaf, you can't find Ode To A Penis anywhere else because it hasn't been published. Shocking, I know, because there must a HUGE market for humorous poems about the penis, but there you are.

    Ah, love ya, Diana.(g)

  7. Well, all I can say is, I posted it, with full credit of course, in the Cellar on my message board and so far, all of the responses are posts filled with ROFL smileys!!

    I LOVE it! Perhaps you could do an entire collection of penis poems....


  8. Nightsmusic,

    A collection of penis poems?

    Ah yes, a seminal book of epic proportions.


  9. Novel woman: You are right, I didn't find this particular poem when I looked it up on the web. There was one called "Ode to the Circumcised Penis". There were other's I didn't explore. So this one was never in print, umm, I wonder what it was I had read? Oh well, now I can say for sure I've read it.
    Wonder what it is about the word "penis" that makes it difficult to say or write about. It's given a 100 different names but the correct one. Even my husband can't even say the name. It's always Me and the Boys. I blame it on his mother. You would not beleive what she use to call it.

  10. Sharaf,

    You can't leave us hanging (no pun intended) like this. What did your mother-in-law call it?

    My parents, for reasons known only to them, called it a dingus, which always puts me in mind of Meryl Streep in that Australian movie who says, "A dingo stole my baby!"

    Now there's a visual...

  11. Novel Woman:
    I really was hoping the word would go with her to her grave. I don't know if I can spell it, but here goes. "Jew-jew" or "ju-ju". Nobody in her family knew where she got it. The first time my husband said the word, I started out with a grin, then a giggle, and the more I thought about it I went into uncontrolable laughing. I know it's just a silly little word, but I couldn't imagine my husband and his brother out behind the barn discussing their Ju-Ju's.

  12. Pam:

    You'll be happy to know that, upon reading your poem to my DH, he whipped out his Manroot, or should I call it his "Bald Avenger," for me to handle deftly!


  13. Just a follow up to my recent comment. In the literary sense, can't you just see the fair maiden swooning over that word.

  14. Oh, too funny! Thank you Diana and Pam. I've only ever heard my DH use the phrase "one-eyed snake!"


  15. I have been thinking about why author's use such descriptive prose in describing the female and male anatomy. Maybe if they used clinical terms it would soon read like a medical text book. Now that would soon kill the mood. I suppose it's also to show sensitivity to all readers different views of sex. It can get quite hilarious without meaning to. You really do have to stretch your imagination sometimes just to understand what part of the body they are describing and what's its purpose.

  16. ROFL Hilarious! It's about time someone wrote a poem about this adorable tool. lol

  17. Well, my ex calls his penis his "dinker." I have no idea why he would call it that, let alone admit to it...

  18. Monta:
    I hope you don't get offended. Maybe, your ex was referring to size.

  19. I can't believe I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning with this little rhyme running over and over in my head. My mother, of all people, first told me of it.

    " In the summer time
    when it's hot and sticky,
    that's no time for dunk'n dickie.

    In the fall,
    when the frost is on the
    that's the time for dickie

    I suppose she thought this was some sage advice for her daughter.

  20. Sharaf,
    Perhaps you are correct - he was not what one would call well-endowed. Though it was not just his penis he called dinker. All penises were dinkers.

    And no, I am not offended. I try not to take offense at anything anyone says/writes. Especially about sex and the different ways/ideas/preferences people have in regard to it. (^_^)

    Seriously though, I think that there isn't anything that cannot or should not be discussed – at least by adults (and much should be discussed with children but most people are too embarrassed or cautious. If more was discussed I think fewer mistakes might be made by the children – maybe. Then again, no amount of discussion would have deterred me as a child/adolescent when I decided I wanted something or someone…) Discussion is how we learn new things and assemble our own viewpoints. And in true Descartes form – our viewpoints make up a great deal of who we are since, more often than not, they guide our actions and interactions, even (perhaps especially) when we do not realize they are doing so.
    Discussion and interaction between humans more fully makes us human. "One can acquire everything in solitude - except character." [Marie Henri Beyle - French biographer & novelist (1783 - 1842)]

    Oops – oh, well. I suppose a little philosophy belongs in a conversation about penises. I sure do like the mix.


  21. Monta:
    Ah! the philosophy of sex.
    When I was growing up in the 50's we had a neighbor down our street that had um'teen (at least twelve and counting) kids. They lived in an old two story house that had not seen paint since it was built decades before. The children were half fed and you could only describe them as "feral". I doubt he even knew or cared who they were.
    Someone took it upon themself to ask the man why didn't he stop having kids. His philosophical answer was "the way I see it, it's the only pleasure a poor man has."
    It just makes your jaw drop doesn't it. Sad to say, I imagine this philosophy was perpetuated for many generations.

  22. I can hear my mother's voice saying, "all right, that's enough of that now!"

    Sorry, Diana. I feel like I've opened Pandora's Box (no pun intended) and now you know why I have the reputation of being the family sh!t disturber. Back to the topic of writing!


  23. OMG!

    What I miss when I don't check for a few days!

    LOVE IT!

  24. Pam dearest,

    Beth, I believe your penis started this.

    Lack of a penis, actually. Lack of a description of a penis, to be tediously precise.

  25. Well, Beth, as I recall a certain incident on a certain elevator at a certain conference with a certain fan who had certainly consumed an excessive amount of alcohol, the actual description of the organ in question is unnecessary anyway.

    "Ish all in the book, ish alllll in the book." (g)


  26. Hi,

    LOL, this is great.

    I write romance too and bought several books on how to write the sex scene and they all pretty much said don't use the "P" word!


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